My Life in Words
Tips, travel, yoga, mentoring, life, and everything in between.
April 27th, 2015. – Rohtak, India
Today, I realized…how lucky I am to be a human on this earth. After reading my post on Facebook, I felt I sounded a bit narcissistic because I wrote of my life and the tragedy that struck Nepal. I felt to edit my post so people didn’t think it was narcissistic, but then as I stood repeating in my head of what I wrote, I felt suddenly sacred. I felt so connected to this earth, and how far I’ve come. Something in me changed as it ever does, but this was different. I went up to my room and began to write listening to some tunes when I began to cry. It wasn’t that I was the luckiest person in the world; it wasn’t that I was better then anyone, and it wasn’t as if my life had any more relevance to others. I realized the simplicity of one thing that goes beyond existence as whole as a world united. I realized as a person, a speck in gods country, a root in the earth, a leaf on a tree, a wave in the ocean, a single step in a journey, a cloud in the sky, a breathe taken, skin to rinse in water, a person to be loved. As I sat in front of my computer coming to terms of what’s happening in my life, did I then initially feel as I wept, the knees of my soul place themselves on this earth and bow down to thank the universe for the fact that I’m living on this planet. That I’m human, that I’m alive and that I am all that I have.
I also realized today, I was going through the beginning process of the 8 limbs without pursuing it, without trying to define it, without the intention to live by it, without any influence other then to influence myself. I cried because I felt my spirit melt down into the depths of the soil that layer our foundation as restless embryos of life, take it’s first breathe as somebody taking that first yawn of a dawn into a new day. Only my day wasn’t this morning at 7am, it wasn’t physical, it was purely esoteric, it wasn’t astronomical, and I can’t really signify as spiritual. You can say it was self-realization, but I’d like to say at the very minimal, realization of self. The flesh of your skin, and if only everyone single person could stop and realize, without any religion, without any barriers, color, beliefs, nor traditions to follow, but if everyone person stopped for a second and just held hands with the universe to thank no set being, or their god they devoted themselves to, just to say I’m lucky to be alive. That is worthy enough.
April 28th New Delhi, India
As I write this, I’m sitting on a couch at Coffee Bean and Tea leaf sipping on an ice mocha café latte at Delhi airport, comfortable and starring off into the incoming planes landing their wings of freedom, one by one onto the run way. Being here in this moment stands to be bitter sweet for me. I don’t know how I can describe my inner feelings this morning, I am in decompression mode to say the least. This trip hasn’t been easy, nor has it been too difficult either. Nonetheless, it’s been a deeply emotional trip I guess I can vehemently say because of facing some unknowns or even perhaps known, that I subsequently made sense of and cherish. I have found myself in India.
There’s so much I’m still on the verge of discovering and I feel as though as I’ve said many times over, the second half of my life I will be ok. I don’t know if it was to keep me going on this desolate path of resurrection or that my intuition never left a woman behind. This trip was trying on me, and out of the 13 years I have been traveling the globe, this morning as I packed my bag and went down to reception to check out, got into the taxi ride over to the airport, have I ever [I can honestly say I have never] been so happy to see an airport.
I wasn’t afraid of finding myself, and I wasn’t afraid to face myself, I definitely had fears and a lot of fears in life, but I wasn’t afraid to face to myself, or maybe I was? Call me Dichotomy at this moment rather then Desiree. This is how I know I have found myself, I stood at the cross roads of what life means without any verbalation (new word, verbal revelation) combined with lessons of forthright companionship with discovery.
Last night for the first time in nearly two months, I was able to speak to my love for over an hour on Skype as we both basked in solitude as one, romancing over life and love. We talked about sensory overload, the ways it triggers a person to react. I opened up a little of what I was and am going through without getting too bogged down with details and he understood, or put his self in my space to try and understand. We laughed, we gazed; I realized I needed him. For once I needed him and he was there, making me smile, allowing me to think and express, each word at a time. That beautiful man is my life and the universe must have plans for us on the highest of levels. I know it and my heart tastes his blood of purity and the essence of connectivity. He is helping me every moment understand what love means and I couldn’t be any more thankful or lucky, the luckiest to be given that soul. I’ve changed so much and I keep changing, reveled at the enhancement of personification. He is my Ida and I’m his Pin gala, together we are shushumna. I am no longer lost and I feel I have reached my nirvana.
I’m stronger yet more vulnerable, I’m wiser yet nowhere near wise. I am life.
When I first came to India, I was so pleased with myself to have made this journey. I was excited to see Veer and Claire again and Maahi their daughter whom I haven’t seen since the Philippines, and I wrote about it in my first blog. Veer and I traveled to Rishikesh together, leaving Claire and the family behind back in Rohtak. I felt ready to be physically transformed into a new yogini of strength and flexibility, excited to learn what I felt I needed to know to be veered as respectable yoga teacher. After six hours of traveling in a cab, and my stomach in my throat from the insane driving, six hours later, we arrived at AYM just in time for the opening ceremony. My bags were tossed into a room full of nothingness, a mattress as hard as the floor [which I’m use to as I slept on the floor back in San Diego] and I scurried up to the opening ceremony in the nick of time.
For the first couple of weeks I basked in the physical realm of being somewhere like India, the alleged birthplace of yoga. Why learn this anywhere else? I was determined to go to the source of enhanced learning and educating myself further in this passion that has been driven in me. I say allegedly because if you go back then the godfather of the 8 limbs, Patanjali, yoga was brought to the land, as we know of, India. Not to mention that I got to spend time with Veer who is a walking encyclopedia and an equilibrium of traditional to modern. He and I have always had in depth conversations about many topics alike and it was, for the both of us, a refresher to some degree. I can’t speak on his behalf but I do know him well enough to know that he seems to be going through a transition as well upon returning with a beautiful wife and two kids in tow, going back to square one with training people in functional movement.
April 30th, Bangkok Thailand
Throughout the time I was there, I made a conscious decision to speak minimal, I wanted to observe and take in everything. Since I know I’m introverted by nature, I was compelled to open up and observe since there were 23 people from all over the world who had their own set of perceptions and interpretations of yoga. Some of the batch have been there for 4 weeks already going through the 200-hour program and transitioned into the 300-hour batch. Veer and I came as individuals and I wouldn’t go as far as saying we were a team, but in place of Claire, I was yin to his yang energy. He’s intense, he’s passionate, he’s full of extensive knowledge, he’s also still young and I can see the young tendencies of wanting to make points. Ultimately he’s still the same, just a different tone. There are certain few types of people who can see past his tenacity of yoga, and to know him on a more intimate level of family orientation. I felt as though the universe put us on the same path of training at the exact time at the same exact place without ever conversing about it. As I’ve said in the previous blog, coincidental?
During this cavalcade of personal progression, many elements presented themselves that were beyond anything I had anticipated, beyond the aspects of what we think yoga is. Times where stars aligned to meet other souls on their journeys, indicating that something so precious has been given in the most incomprehensible manner that we either see or don’t see. Processing is direction I take flight in more in my life nowadays. I seem to observe and process more versus make instant gratifying decisions based on my wants, or ego trip. There were difficult times internally as well and I’m sure many others may experience aspects in this life, which can test your character of gratification, eradication and/or both. I learned a lot more off the mat then I did on the mat or in the class session. I can’t put everything I learned in chronological order in the six weeks I was in Rishikesh or the 8 weeks I was in India. I will only write about what I felt conflicted about pertaining to life but also to express my deepest of gratitude to life, as we know it.
I’ve been to 43 countries, and I’d prefer not make any discerning judgment on any country, they all have their pros and cons. I’ve lived in the Philippines twice and despite it being a third world country, it has its riches in the masses. Yet, of all countries I’ve been to this in this lifetime, I never questioned humanity as much as I questioned it in India. I questioned life, I questioned my path, and I questioned supreme consciousness while simultaneously kept a massively open mind. I watched as people took pilgrimages to the Ganga, Kirtans all around the ashram, cows wandering the streets and even into my hallway at my school, which gave birth to the motto ‘Chill as a cow.’ I watched, I looked ahead, I fell in love, I felt alone, content, confused, emotional, whole hearted, empty, somewhat disdained, drained, happy, connected, disconnected, growth, regressed, fulfilled, submerged, empathy, indifferent, consumed, fooled, impartial; the list goes on. While reading those words I just wrote, it’s a complete contradiction to every word, ups and downs and that is the truth. The more and more people spoke of how they felt, the more and more I felt quiet.
May 4th, 2015 – Bangkok Thailand
For people who truly want to submerge themselves in yoga, Rishikesh is the place. All around I heard conversations of yoga, I made a conscious act not to get too involved in conversations about it, I didn’t want to hear of it, I didn’t want to hear what or how to do a posture, repetitive speeches of the depth of yoga, the intensity of being a spiritual gangster. Basking in the delight of being there completely confused was enough for me to take in, the last thing I wanted to do was to hear it when I’m eating my meal or having an intellectual conversation with someone. I get it, we were all there for yoga immersion, and it has a profound effect on a person [clearly from what I am writing on myself as well]. I sat and stood silent looking off into the distance most of the time, not because I didn’t want to engage in the conversation, simply because I’d rather just observe. I was practicing meditation and detachment.
I want to share what I am learning based on silence, not based on boasting as we have enough of it on Instagram, Facebook, and other social media platforms. I, admittedly, don’t like to post many photos of my practice on my Instagram, but if I want people to believe that yes, I do guide others and yes I do have a personal practice on and off the mat then unfortunately word of mouth doesn’t make a point, unlike photos do. Crying shame to a degree do you think?
I call myself a Yoginista just like a barista, a fashionista, etc, because that’s my trade. I follow suit to what I deem fits. It’s my lifestyle, and we’ve all heard you are what you manifest. I didn’t dream to become a yoga instructor, I didn’t follow my dreams as some may view it, I had no idea I would become this, who I am today. It’s been a long drawn out process with highs and lows, emotions and physicality. Over the past few years I’ve been hearing more and more this inner voice which at times scares the sh*t out of me as well as encourages me and as I’ve said before, a dichotomy and a contradiction. It’s a beautiful curse to see both sides to every scenario, as I understand reasoning which gives way to that open mind of filtering and acceptance. It’s also a deceptive barrier as well as some people misconstrue the reasoning and logic as being overly passive, non-defending, one sided for being both sided, evasive, the list can go on and that is something I’ve had to deal with time and time again.
I know first hand, being both sided can be a negative connotation to other points of view, even security of their own judgment. That is fine, to each their own. I’m not as passive as one will think I am, I’m just highly discerning and observant. So when it comes to yoga, off the mat, I have come to accept that I see reflections in everyone including myself. I’ve witness people speak negative of others only to be merely talking of their own actions and not own up to it, because they can’t see it. I’ve been put in the middle of situations where I didn’t want to be because of others actions and rather then be one sided, I choose to stay neutral which has been held against me. Yoga has taught me it’s ok to be silent and I don’t need to post elaborate yoga poses all the time to prove I get it or be one sided to an argument I don’t see the cause in. Silence and starring off into the distance is better at times.
The unification is internal, it’s beyond what we think of it to be and more and more I find myself convinced I am not a yogi, because in the reality of it, I’m only a yogi in training, a constant practice to the 8 limbs. What’s fascinating about it as I write this, combined with what I did learn in my yoga therapy course is in fact, we have the ability to alter our perceptions continuously and heal ourselves. We literally can heal and fix ourselves from the inside out, but it requires so much practice and modifications. There is no one way, there are many ways and as Lao Tzu has said, ‘Believe in the way’. I’ve come to realize I practiced:
Aparigraha - Neutralizing the desire to acquire and hoard wealth.
Aparigraha means to take only what is necessary, and not to take advantage of a situation or act greedy. We should only take what we have earned; if we take more, we are exploiting someone else. Aparigraha also implies letting go of our attachments to things and an understanding that impermanence and change are the only constants. Again, I am unintentionally being one of the 8 limbs.
Now here’s where the contradiction can be apparent, I like nice things. I like harmony, I like a nice place, I have a nice car back home in the states, I have nice things in my storage unit, I’ve been to nice places, and I do at times like to stay in nice hotels. It’s not everything though, it doesn’t define me as whole and that is something my companion I have now, genuinely loves of me. I’m frivolously pragmatic. I definitely have been so very lucky in this life to be given such amazing opportunities, to see and experience such luxury of material. Yet, I’ve known my struggles too along this path, and another leaf of the path I’m on is:
Santosa - Contentment - Modesty and the feeling of being content with what we have.
To be at peace within and content with one's lifestyle finding contentment even while experiencing life’s difficulties becomes a process of growth through all kinds of circumstances. We should accept that there is a purpose for everything - yoga calls it karma – and we cultivate contentment 'to accept what happens'. It means being happy with what we have rather than being unhappy about what we don't have. So can you ask yourself are you really content with not keeping up with the Jones?
What’s the point of this all and how does it tie into my time in Rishikesh? I’m noticing more and more in abundance my renunciation to the world in a delicate manner layer upon layer as I am becoming and processing the 8 limbs. There’s no rule to say it should be practiced accordingly, as stated previously, it’s not in chronological order. I came to sense the power of higher self and the truth for which it stands upon the being of renaitré [reborn]. Yes, I felt the old me died there, and as my plane took off to ascend into the clouds above, did I feel reborn again. It was a profound feeling, I cried starring off into the horizon because I knew something happened to me that no matter how I could explain it, majority of people may not get it. I got it, I understood, and I realized; I was yoga. My companion spoke a great metaphor in regards to explaining. He said it’s kind of like an elevator, even though you may be on the 11th floor some will be stuck on the 1st floor and refuse to go up. I appreciate that metaphor, one of the many reasons why I choose the right path, for me. Clarity.
When I reflect upon my time in Rishikesh, I recall going to an astrologer for the first time and hearing what he had to say of my life. Apparently this astrologer is re known all over and again, I wanted to see what he had to say with an open mind. He asked me what I wanted to know, and I said I don’t really have questions just curious what you have to say. He told me to keep writing; that it was good for me and things are going good in my life and will be good. I felt relieved to have heard that. It was a brief reading compared to others, who, wanted to know what color to wear, where to live, what stone to wear. I remember walking in a girl had a pen and paper out asking so many questions about her brother, and what was good for this and what was good for that. I just sat there and said I’m open to whatever.
A few weeks after this reading, one of my batch mates from Argentina offered Aura readings and I was keen to experience that. At first she did a group Aura reading that was exquisitely diverse to each person in the group. She would go around for approximately 5-10 minutes of each individual and describe the color of the rose that represented that person. She would then tell of what she saw, and when it was my turn, the color of the rose was orange and grey. It was accurate in terms of how I felt inside to many aspect of life, so much that I wanted to decipher more on a personal level. We set up a time together reading outside in the garden for an hour. Again, I had an open mind as she asked me what I wanted to ask about. The only thing I wanted to know of was about my present relationship, to which she said she couldn’t really break down because it required the other person to be present.
When she began to go through my chakras, she would go through one by one and read what she felt. I should of recorded the session because I can’t interpret what she said to me through blogging, and quite frankly since it is a personal reading, let’s just say that rather then depicting to others of maybe wasting my time, it wasn’t a waste of time at all. Of course, some of what she said, I felt inside but majority of what she said was enlightening and solidifying to what seemed to be transmitting in my life as it was. These types of sessions a lot of people don’t believe in and I understand; I am hesitant at times. Yet, for her to tap into my reflection and convey the essence of my inner connection with the divine whether it is; positive or negative, there was nothing negative about it. It was assessing each channel on a compelling level, that spoke in a decreed manner of which I felt was quite accurate. Things I had to work on that I was already working on subconsciously, stuff I had to open up to, and so on. I’m extremely happy I asked her to read my aura and whether some may cry wolf of that type of hocus pocus, it was all worth it.
It’s taken me nearly a week to write this out, as I’m a concoction of complexity. Throughout the years of writing, I’ve had a terrible case of writers block, partly in fear due to my last relationship and also to truly express the thought process that wires my brain on how to band together all creative avenues to relay cognitive expression. I’ve basically spent the last 6 days hold up in a studio in Bangkok decompressing and decoding what I went through and conveying it to the readers and ‘yogis’ alike. Surely I’m not the only person to undergo such an internal transformation but I wasn’t trying to transform, I wasn’t on this journey to be something, I wasn’t trying. This transition in life started years ago and despite fighting it the past years, I finally truly gave into that soulful voice that push me. That’s when I guess I can say I woke up, I truly rose to the dawn of a new era let alone a new day. To say I died in India and became reborn, or ‘found’ myself, even the ‘awakening’ is difficult for others to fathom. It’s crazy talk, I sometimes scratch my head and wonder WTF happened and am I explaining it thorough enough for others to take a step back and evaluate what they may be holding on to or scared of or experiencing themselves. Clarity was becoming more and more assuring to just be able to say I’m so lucky to be alive on this planet, that’s fruit loop enough. The ascending wisdom beyond what we think is prevalent to what is actually relevant.
May 5th Cinco De Mayo – Bangkok Thailand
There’s a lot of toxicity out there in the world and whom we surround ourselves with plays a vital role in our development. I apparently knew I had to go to India, and sacrifice a lot in the advancement of figuring things out. I decry my own surroundings that are distractions back in San Diego to resuscitate my inner contentment even if means I need to stir clear of many distractions, even of the bandwagon. Some people even perhaps family see me differently as I personally choose to be different for the sake of my wellbeing. Some may think I’m off the deep end, but even if I am off the deep end, I know I can swim in the deep.
As I finally leave this manuscript of a blog that is regurgitating to say the least, it’s a constant reminder that I will be an old kinder from the purity of my heart and soul. As pain staking as it can be sometimes in the foreign language I speak in the eyes of others, I speak only for myself and the journey of continuous exploration on this ride we call life. My life is a page–by-page story and the beauty of it is being written in every language, should you choose to pick one. Until the next blog of whatever it may be of, I set sail on the roads of travel.